Day 154: Moving Idle

There comes a time when you look around you and everything is a blur.  When this happens your presence is usually absent and the joy is lost.  I am currently trying to refocus my art career.  

For the last couple of months, I have been running around on the pages of the internet researching engagement techniques for my Facebook pages and looking at other artists' websites.  You know - the whole business side of owning your own business.  At one point today, I rolled away from my desk in my chair that I am in about 7 hours a day and got a wide angle view of my life.   

I have been checking off certain boxes and, at times, feeling shame for not checking off others.  I have finally learned there are 24 hours in a day.  However, now, I try to cram as much into these hours as possible.  I guess, the phrase 'Excuse the motion blur' could be a mantra.  While checking off all the boxes and feeling that instant gratification we are all trained to strive for, I forgot that I was doing all this to uncover the joy that I had been missing.  After all, I am transitioning to make a career out of what I love.  

In realizing this, I had to step back and remind myself of my intentions.  If I can't be joyful while doing this, I have to ask myself "Is this something that I truly enjoy?" Or "What about this do I not find enjoyable?"  This is the beauty of redesigning your life.  I commit.   

I have faith in this process called life.  In these moments where my heart is working hard and my breath is heavy, I have to remember the only race I'm in is with myself.  So, it's time to start being present and enjoying this ride.  Otherwise, life is just one beautiful pan shot. 

Day 152: Ready, Set, Create

Since graduating The Academy of Art University in 2011, I had all but given up on a career that I had dreamed of since my younger days of creating art and getting paid for it.  I had excelled in all art forms - music, theatre and visual art.  Even after graduating with distinction from The Academy of Art University from the Fine Arts department, I hadn’t landed gallery representation or been noticed by that one person that would make me famous.  

At this time, rent in San Francisco, CA was starting to skyrocket.  I was working three jobs to pay for my room/residence and my studio at Art Explosion Studios.  I was a barista in the financial district, a bartender/server in the mission and an artist.  The ladder was becoming less affordable regardless of my resourcefulness.  I did the routine for a year.  I was exhausted, broke and, honestly, hungry.  

With that said, my artist career was going to look different moving back to the Midwest.  In St Joseph, MO there was no resembalance of what I knew of as an art community.  In San Francisco, art was like yoga.  You had drawing workshops, gallery openings and even classes on marketing yourself as an artist any given time or day.  I packed up my belongs, loaded all my unsold artwork in trailer and I made the best of it that I could.  I began Marketing for a family business and emerged myself in the community I loved and missed so much.  I started to forget - “I am an artist.”

I created less.  I went into depression.  I started taking antidepressants and seeing a counselor.  I look in retrospect and maybe I could have been an artist in that environment.  The more I am honest with myself, it becomes obvious that because where I was didn’t meet my expectations, I gave up.  Environment is essential as an artist.  I should have left.  And, that’s exactly what I did.   

Now, fast forward to the present, I am living in one of the largest cities in the world, Mumbai, India.  There is literally creativity everywhere.  There is art in every way of life here.  I have started creating again.  I have started living again!  I have an iPhone11+, an Instagram account, Facebook Pages, a Twitter, a Redbubble Store, a Pinterest wall, a LinkedIn account, a yoga teachers certificate, a Squarespace website and a blog.  I am ready now, right?  

While, at the time, I tried to blame people, money and time, I had no one to blame but myself for my lack of inspiration and creation.  In that truth, there is freedom.  In that statement, there is creation and possibility.  In my journey, I’m learning all the time that my expectation caused me to make choices that actually took my dreams away from myself.  I was and am the holder of that key.  So, ready, set, create. 

Day 150: To be famous?

While many of us think of a job as a means to an end, many others are looking at a job as the thing we were born to do.  I remember being in high school and taking a career assessment test.  My assessment came back saying that my career path would be best suited for engineering.  While, at times, I can be innovative and a very stealthy problem solver, I wanted to be famous.  

I wanted to be famous.  I had no idea what fame was other than everyone would know my name and life would be easy.  I had dreams of being on Broadway because my community theatre and high school experience granted me such dream.  I wanted to be a famous singer.  Although, now, I am not sure what type of fame that would have entailed.  Then, in college, I wanted to be a famous artist.  I knew what that looked like.  I would be called to be in all of these galleries and I could just create art all day long in my studio.  

Now, in reality, I spent so much time wanting to be famous that I didn't take the time to just create because everything I did was going to create this fame.  My art was good and my ego was way too strong.  Wanting fame not only made me feel like I was missing out on something, it made me miss out on the whole part of becoming famous.  I would even say that because I didn't achieve this fame, I was worth nothing.  

Go back to the times before social media where you didn't have endless platforms to put yourself out on.  This is before YouTube, Instagram and Facebook.  Are we able to remember such a time?  This was before the smart phone.  Many people know about Steve Jobs, but many more people know about the iPhone.  It would be safe to say that the iPhone won the fame game.  was Steve Jobs ever jealous of his creation's fame?

As I started creating my InstaStory today, I thought about how this need for fame has diminished.  The need has been replaced with pure creation.  I am not creating for someone to notice me.  I'm not singing so someone will book me for a show.  I'm not taking endless photographs for a gallery to pick me up and sell my art.  I do all these things because I have.  I have to because it's who I am.  I am a creator.  I find inspiration in things people don't ordinarily pay attention to.  Creativity is like air to me.  Without creativity, I have serious issues.  

When I dissect this idea of fame, I have to say I am famous in my own way.  I am brave.  I have performed in some amazing spaces including Carnegie Hall.  I have shown my artwork on the campus of Google itself in Mountain View, CA.  I have served my community with my talents.  I guess you could say - Fame comes from within.  I create because that's who I am.  

Trying to be famous is like going to the casino and saying I'm going to win $1,000,000.  It rarely happens, but, every now and then, you win $60 on a slot machine called Kitty Glitter.