Day 195: Fairness

I am constantly trying to be fair to everyone I encounter. I usually get pushed into the spotlight or run towards it depending on my confidence of what the spotlight is for. Recently, I have been taking a step back to let others have the spotlight. What I have observed is that many people will take the spotlight and most start to come across as blabbermouths and know-it-alls.

Everyday we get the opportunity to look at ourselves in the mirror and take note if you like the person that is staring back at you. Some days there is a resentment to that person. There is a shame of that person. There is a joy to see that person. Most days lately, I am content with who that person is and proud that the person staring back at me has gone through everything that has made him the strong person that he is today. As I get ready to go back to the US for a visit, I am reminded that I left with so much unfinished business.

First, I was taken advantage of by several friends but the largest slap in the face was a hairstylist named Brittany Ann. She took advantage of my kindness by stealing from me after not paying a debt she owed to me. She tried to have a restraining order placed on me for no reason with the sole motivation that a restraining order would mess up my life and everything that I have tried to build in my community. She owed money for rent and utilities or for a shampoo bowl that I paid for because she was supposedly a victim of another salon owner and didn’t have the money. Even if you have written contracts, criminals know how the systems works in their favor.

I have no idea why she turned on me but it still hurts. It hurts to know that in a matter of months I went from having a huge support network to a circle of friends that I could count on one hand. Then, that circle got even smaller because I wasn’t convenient or I didn’t do the things that I was expected to do. I was a fair-weather friend to people I thought I would be friends with forever. I all still hurts but I know that I’m better off without these people. The ones that have wronged me have made me stronger because I have a better sense of understanding.

Will I step into the same traps I did before? I honestly can’t say because people who truly love people and want to help them do so regardless of what that person does in return. I do know that I won’t take so much so personally. The secrets that I hold of people’s words or others that they have now surrounded themselves based on a hatred of me would be shocked to know the things that have been said about them. I doubt some of them would be shocked because they went from using me to using someone that shared the same negative feelings about me. The point is that I have too much going on in my own life to keep rescuing people. I can help but not rescue. Just as I learned myself, the only person that can rescue you is yourself.

Day 194: Politics Today

I have struggled with not letting politics disturb my peace of mind but it is hard to when the media is bombarding your notifications and email constantly everyday. I have deleted the news app off of my phone but found myself feeling cut off from the world so I reinstalled it about a month ago. I am shocked at the headlines I read and wonder what happened to the United States while I have been gone. While I have gotten this broader perspective of life and my place in this world, the United States seems to have isolated itself in a tantrum of greed and fear.

I am most shocked about our headlines recently as it seems the president is trying to see how much he can get away with. First, it was the attacks on four women freshman in congress. Then, the sharpie conspiracy where it is alleged that he doctored an official map of the path of Hurricane Dorian. Lastly, inviting members of the Taliban to Camp David on the anniversary of 9/11. All of these are equally disturbing to me because I would think that a president would have much more to do than to think selfishly of himself and his own interests.

The attack on the four women is closely linked to the confusing hatred our president has towards the Muslim faith. I have many Muslim friends and all of them are sincere, non-violent and honest people. The portrait that the US has painted of these amazing people is sad and inaccurate. However, our president now wants to ‘secretly’ invite members of that faith that have direct links to the attacks on our Pentagon and the World Trade Centers. It makes no sense.

Drawing on a map may be something that a kindergartener might do not knowing that the map is important and an official document. However, the president is well past kindergarten age and knows very well what he is doing. Doctoring a map may be funny to a person that has servants and security detail but to an average citizen knowing that you have hurricane force winds heading your way starts a series of actions for preparedness. The fact that he flexes his muscles to get what he wants shows that he is a very weak person.

Is it true that his mental capability is less than what it takes to be the leader of the free world? It certainly seems so with his current actions. He has no idea the weight of his words and actions. I’m so sad that he makes the choices he does. I started to have faith that knowing that he would realize his power and start to be humbled that he made it all the way to the white house. I have since lost this faith and am just counting the days until he is no longer in office.

Day 193: Yoga Props

Coming to my mat is my favorite. The amount of energy I feel on this mat is almost like hugging a person. My mat has hugged me. It has absorbed fat, sweat and tears. My mat has been with me in more moments of transformation than any person that I know. It really does have a persona of its own.

While I know that my mat doesn’t have feelings and a personality, I wish it did. To say that I’m attached to my mat would be a lie but I have a closet full of mats. I have cloth mats, rubber mats and grip cloth mats. I always turn to my 1.8mm blue paisley mat. My advice to you is to find a mat that you can commit to.

Find a mat that is beautiful to you regardless of detachment. Just as relationships, there will be days that you don’t want to think of your mat. There will be days that you just want to stay as far away from it as possible. Regardless of my countless positive experiences, I have had my fair share of negative experiences or feelings on that mat as well.

I have hated people on that mat and fell in love with people on that mat all the same. A commitment to a mat is the same kind of commitment that you make to anything else. There will be days that you just don’t want to. There will be days that you have to drag your mat like a chain into the studio. Do it anyways.

After you and your mat are committed to your practice. Start introducing props into your routine. These make your practice fresh if you start to feel like you are stagnating. Wheels, blocks and straps are a great way to start.

Day 192: Wrapping Up Class

With my 900 Hour Certification course coming to a close, I am starting to feel the stress of feeling like I need to move on to the next thing. During this time, I have fought depression, feeling like something is going to go wrong and still trying to figure out exactly what I am going to do with my certification. My ultimate dream is to teach regular batches for people to learn the basics of yoga so that they can take those lessons outside of the studio and help spread all of what yoga is. Then, I would like to train others to be teachers to help spread the message.

I have doubts regarding what it’s going to be like when I return to the United States. I have been dreading this change so much that I am making plans to come back and just travel. I feel like I still have a lot of soul searching to do. I am completely a different person than I was three years ago but have fear that leaving here and being put back into my old environment is going to trigger the old feelings of wanting to die and sheer helplessness.

These feelings persist and are observed like they are happening to someone else but that someone else is still me. I can’t imagine going back to St. Joseph and working where there is no where to go and progression to be made. This is opposite of where I have come from. The captain of that ship is travelling full speed ahead but not telling anyone where they are going. He actually finds this humorous because for the first time in his life he has power and control over people. I hate even talking this way but thinking about this life ending is triggering all of these emotions.

I have so much fear of everything going back to the way it was. I have so much anger that nothing has changed to where I dread going back to that place. It is like you have found where you belong and you don’t get to stay there. The person that I have been trying to make plans with has a sick mother in the states and his attention is, rightly, more focused on that. I have already stated that I am not going to move back to St Joseph but I find myself following someone and doing just that.

This is such a negative entry, for this, I apologize. This weekend was full of silent thoughts of negativity about my life not moving in the direction that I want it to. There are moments where I feel like I am right back in the fall of 2005 and there other moments that I know that I am way better than that. I feel like no matter the opportunity that comes my way that I am not good enough or the opportunity is not good enough. I have idea how to explain that.

Day 191: Day by Day

Today, I sat and realized how much stress I have rid myself of. I have reduced my circle of friends to only a handful and no longer chase people. I have never cared less about people liking me or not. This may come across as negative but there is no negativity in this process. I have even started to let the relationships in my family to dissolve or get stronger depend on the efforts that both of us put in.

My brother has had a lot of drama in his life and I used to be the person that he called when everything hit the fan. I asked him in person during a visit home recently if he was ever tired of being in crisis mode and he stopped calling. He either deleted his Facebook profile or unfriended me because I got a notification request for friendship. I am letting it sit there with the rest of the people that don’t affect me neither positively or negatively. I just don’t want their spectating, digital friendship.

I guess I could be mad that my dad hasn’t made the effort in almost three years to come visit but I have more empathized with him recently than feeling resentment. He has said on numerous occasions that I may not be the son that he wanted so I no longer chase this relationship for fear that if it isn’t all ok that I am a horrible person. He is more of an employer than a father and I think that he is just fine with it being that way. I am done spending my energy where it is wasted so I have accepted that he doesn’t want me as a son but as a good employee that does what he is told and makes myself valuable.

My sister messages me maybe once a month and tries to Facetime me at 3am in the morning even though I have explained numerous times that I am 11.5/10.5 hours ahead of time. Sometimes I wonder if she does that so that my nephews think that I don’t want to talk them. Her husband is the same personality as her first husband, a control freak that has to have everything his way. He also told my nephew that a necklace that we made together while I was teaching them about the chakras would make him a ‘faggot.’ If you don’t think that hate is taught at home you are grossly mistaken.

The only person in my family that I speak to everyday is my mom. Even if it is a text message saying, ‘good morning’ or an emoji, we communicate everyday. She keeps say that she misses me and can’t wait for me to be home. I don’t share the same sentiment. I’m not excited to be home at all. I dread going back to St. Joseph like I dread death. I have done everything but be absorbed in political relationship in that town and I have no plans on doing so. So, I’m taking it day-by-day for the next couple of months because that is all I can do.

Day 190: Rules

We live by codes, standards and societal constraints from the very day we are conceived in our mother’s womb. You mother possibly had some shame in being pregnant at a young age that very possibly was carried onto you through the umbilical cord. Your mother and father may have fought a lot while your mother was carrying for 9 months. Then, when you were everything was supposed to change.

The change last only a short while and your family would go through this cycle of a huge blowup, small temporary changes were made and then, after some time, another blowup happened. You may have made a rule at a very young age that you would either fight or shut down when things get heated or confrontational. You might be a person that has no idea how to handle conflict at all so you avoid it all together through your quiet and meek personality.

You made a rule at some point to react to things in a certain way because you either saw what violence and torment can come out of being an aggressive person. On the other hand, you may have seen someone in your life stroll along with no problem because they avoided conflict altogether. I admire the ladder because this is almost an avoidance of growth but I am not judging the lifestyle of others. You may have went through something very traumatic in life and avoid conflict because you are freightened. I’m sorry that whatever happened to you happened.

The trust is that we all have something from our past that has shaped who we are today. We do certain things and don’t do other curtains because somewhere along the way we made it a rule. If this happens, then I do this. If someone treats me this way, I react like this. Somewhere along the line it was even an unspoken rule that men are to open doors for women. We’ve come a long, long way from that mentality.

If we have all these rules, how is it possible to live in the present. The simple answer is that it is not. We are all like robots that have been trained to act in certain ways and respond to situations systematically. This is cultural and societal. We have created unspoken rules.

Day 189: It's Today or Never

I finally feel like I have the strength to truly help people again. This feeling of being too much an egoist and too much of an optimist has subsided. When I have these thoughts of doubt, I am only trying to sabotage myself. I have reread my entire 188 days of writing on this blog and it makes me feel like I am writing to provide some sort of validity and approval. I need to stop asking others for permission and start granting it on my own.

With this said, I have so much going on all the time to prove that I am busy and to prove my worth. I stay busy to avoid making personal relationships with people for fear of being hurt of taken advantage of. I even doubt my close relationships at times. I even doubt the relationships that should matter the most, my family. As I distance myself and detach from the world around me, the light shines brighter on moments and situations that I need to take a lesson from.

I am trying to relate all of this to the recent discovery of my soul. As my soul doesn’t question who is good or bad. My soul doesn’t daydream about being painless. The soul is painless and free. The soul has a way of being unchanged or bother by things that the ego can and will obsess about.

When I am gone from this world, the soul will still be here not remembering my name or the body that it was contained in. However, my ego has to associate with my name and deeds. My ego has to relate who I am with my actions and my certifications. My ego decides who is good and who is bad.

Today is the day I live in the moment without judgement or preference to how things go. Today is the day that I look at things as the happen as just a witness. Today is the day that I live as a projector screen allowing the movie of life play across me without being involved. Today is the day that I experience this because it’s today or never.

Day 187: Benevolent Indifference

Often, there are times of comfort and times of pain. We react differently to both. Some people trust when things are running smoothly and others get terrified for fear that something is going to happen. Someone lays awake at the end of the day thinking about death being completely frightened and another person lays in bed at the exact same time saying that it’s time to let go. This is benevolent indifference.

I have recently had this happen with my feelings. It feels like I am separate from my feelings. I react to joy and sadness in the same way. I feel as though life is happening as it should. Happiness comes and goes. Wealth comes and goes. Sadness comes and goes. I feel separate.

I had a teacher say that we are only the protector screen in the movie. We are not the actors, the director or the very projector that the movie comes from. How beautiful is that. People are always shielding themselves from pain by acting out or creating walls. Wouldn’t it be pointless to go to a movie and where a blindfold? Perhaps you’ve been in a movie theatre where a very tall person sat in front of you. How did that feel?

To be the projector screen is to simply let the movie just play. I am feeling like I am losing the desire to interact with people socially. I just want to teach them the tools to make positive change in their life and then I’m out. Just like the tornado on my back, it touches down and creates some destruction, or change, and then goes back into the clouds.

What if a tornado did good things when it touched down on the ground? Would we fear the tornado that made the world a little brighter? Yes. People fear me because I am that change. This is my purpose. I am put on this earth not to destroy but to make catastrophic change for good.

Day 185: The Truth About My Soul

I have sat in lectures talking about the Purusha and Prakriti that we are made of or all that we are. Until recently, I didn’t quite understand what that all meant. I didn’t have a spirituality not let alone a God or spiritual path. I didn’t understand fully that we are all God’s within.

This has changed the way that I look at people, good and bad. People are not bad. They make horrible choices and hurt people but this is not who they are. It was explained to me once in class that even the murderer is not bad. The murderer even has a soul. When you look at it this way, your enemies are not bad.

They don’t deserve any more negativity that they are not creating themselves. The negativity that they create themselves will torture them daily, nightly and may even torture them for lifetimes ahead. Why bother yourself with something that you have no business or control of? Distance yourself from the person doing bad and let them fall into their own pit of misery and despair.

You can free yourself from an abuser by leaving. You can free yourself from others’ gossip and rumors by knowing your own truth. You can free yourself from negative people by choosing not to associate with them. There is so much freedom that we forget we have when we feel trapped by circumstance, situation and environment.

The truth about my soul is that it is free from all of my experience and all that I even think that I am. The soul doesn’t change profession or emotions. It doesn’t experience sadness or happiness. It treats all of the emotions, experiences and people the same. The truth about my soul leaves me free from everything in this life.

Day 184: Peace

I don’t have to worry about people screwing me over because I no longer need their validation, certification or accreditation because I did what I should have done all along. I did it all myself. I have several huge projects coming up in the next 6 months that I’m extremely excited about.

I am going to be the Course Developer for a University in creating a yoga certification program to spread the knowledge of yoga globally. Without going into too much detail, I get to create videos, modules and the entire course curriculum for people all over the world to enjoy. Being nice to people all the time has more benefits than let downs. This is all possible through a connection I made in college that I have stayed in touch with. After traveling to India over the last 3 years, we finally met and this opportunity came about.

I am conducting yoga workshops in the United States in October. I will be teaching classes as well. Sometimes, I can’t believe that this all happening and so fast. I started traveling almost three years ago with so little to offer the world and now I am returning back to the United States full of life and ready to share my knowledge with the west. I get to keep my ties to India with possibly returning to India in February and March to continue my yoga journey with The Yoga Institute.

The point of all of this is to show that you can go through horrible times and feel hopeless. You can seek justice and realize that justice is not up to you. You can encounter horrible people with bad motives and they will make you out to the be in the wrong. My best advice to you is to stay true to your heart because when you do that, the world will eventually repay you tenfold.

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Day 183: What Am I Afraid Of?

Looking at the emotion of fear lately has had me thinking about what I am really fearful of? When I acknowledge these fears, I am allowing myself to process these fears and move on. When you conquer or move on from your even fundamental fears you are freeing up space in your mind for other things. This things can be positive as conquering a fear is a huge accomplishment and should be celebrated adequately.

The thing that terrifies me the most is death. I won’t bungee jump or jump from an airplane because there is a chance to die. Just the other day, I wouldn’t inhale helium because it doesn’t belong in my body. My fear of dying actually quite cliche. I have so much to accomplished, I don’t want to be forgotten and I don’t want to die all alone. These things keep me awake at night sometimes because I constantly worry about not getting something done or working hard enough.

I used to be absolutely afraid of the dark. Even as an adult, I would like going outside. I still catch myself running inside from my car at night or running up the stairs from the basement. Aren’t all basements just creepy at night?

I don’t like deep water where I can’t touch my toes. The last time I was in Sri Lanka, I walked pretty far out into the ocean and had a fantastic time but there were several times that something would rub against my legs or toes. I would, literally, want to jump on the top of the water and run all the way to the shore. During my days in San Francisco, my friend Holly said that I needed to conquer this fear. She took my to the ocean at night. Now, I am not afraid of the water and the dark but am afraid of them separately.

Fear is a nervous system response. When your nerves are disturbed so is your mind. You can’t make solid decisions, properly digest food or get sufficient rest when your nerves are disturbed. I have been working on conquering these fears slowly and getting rid of the one-by-one.

Day 182: Giving Thanks

Showing gratitude has many forms. Some say that it is a surrender to God’s will. Some say that is letting go of ego. Some say it is bowing down to the Devine. I think it is all of these.

Today, I give thanks to Yogendraji, all of his disciples who then found other disciples and then for all of them for becoming teachers and filling me full of wisdom and seeds of knowledge. I had a conversation with a lady from France that said she doesn’t believe in God. With this, I think most people get confused about religion because of the imagery and the way that religion has become unchangeable and non-diversified.

Religion has changed time and time again over the centuries and is still changing. If you look at what Jesus would have really looked like, he wouldn’t be a white man with pale skin. He would be completely the opposite. Mary would look more like an Indian woman than a white nun. How do we find thanks in this?

Let people believe what they want to. Stop joining churches because your families and friends go there and form some basis of religion on your own. People don’t want to think for themselves and use church as a matter of appearance more than for spiritual healing and growth. I have learned more about my spirituality in the practice of yoga than I have in any church. With that said, I’m not saying that your way of worship or your beliefs are wrong. I’m simply stating that you keep your beliefs and if I’m still trying to figure it would, let me Do it on my own time.

Giving complete gratitude is surrendering to the God inside of you. You are the image of God. If there is nothing that sparks inspiration there, you can always go outside and take a deep breath. If that’s not a reason to be grateful, then I don’t know what is.

Day 181: No Matter What Anyone Does, It Doesn’t Matter

I have spent most of my life making a big deal out of people not doing their fair share or doing wrong.  I have done this to such extremes that I have burnt bridges and worked myself tirelessly to try make some sore of justice out the sheer pointless.  People will always do more or less than you just as people will do some things better or not as great as you.

The point here is that I have started to create a defense of indifference so that I don’t have negative feelings and don’t attract negative people or situations.  I have done well in India by surrounding myself with likeminded people or, sometimes, no one at all.  I have learned that quantity in friendships is most certainly not better than quality.  This camp has brought out some of the worse things in my personality and has brought to light some of my best qualities.

Age in India is not as predicable in India as it is in America but being older doesn’t always means being more mature or independent.  High school type cliques have been formed and small groups politics have insured.  I sat in a room full of adults that have all been complaining about each other completely lie regardless of people being on campus, at the different sessions or being present physically or mentally.  

On of our assignments is to observe one person that is attending the camp.  We read their positive points and see if there is any change in attitude regarding their thinking.  We also see how they are conducting themselves in the camp.  How can you observe someone if you are never around of available?  It doesn’t make any sense.   

However, I have been stepping back from my criticism of these people that haven’t taken as seriously their tasks of helping people in their lives.  It doesn’t matter how well they do it.  I remember always getting bad marks on exercising self control in elementary school.  Now, as an adult, I have to wonder if this now coming into my adult life.  I don’t have to worry about what anyone else is doing except myself. 

Day 180: Missing Nepal

I miss being on vacation.  Being able to drive wherever I wanted gave me such freedom and joy.  The clean mountain air was so good for my lungs.  The more I study yoga, the more I love being alone.  I enjoyed those silent moments that I had getting my coffee in the morning while the women were decorating the temples and idols on the corners.  

I miss having traffic with no horns.  I miss being able to what I want to do when I want to do it.  There was so much freedom in Nepal.  I am reminded of my trips to Amsterdam not talking to anyone for several days at a time.  Those moments are bliss.  Those moments are beautiful.  

I miss not having to rush to this place or that place.  I miss not having a timetable at all.  I miss my morning yoga sessions when the birds are chirping and the sun is just starting to rise.  I miss silence.  

I miss waking up in the morning and looking at a map and choosing a random direction to go explore.  I miss all of the food and the mint lemonade.  I miss not having any responsibility except to be vigilant for my own self and actions.  I miss Nepal.

Day 179: Letting Go

Over the past couple of days, I have been emotional. I have been wanting to burst out in tears looking out of the window in the morning while traveling in my Uber. I have had moments like today where I surprised myself by not caring what everyone thought and just simply let go. We had a dance teacher that completely changed the way I look at expression.

At first, I was telling myself that I would just sit this one out and observe. Then, she had us sit on the floor and do a dance with our hands. I started to feel the layers of self consciousness peel off during this first five minutes. This instructor was a dancer but also a captain for 6 years in the Indian Army. Her smile was infectious.

Then, the part that I dreaded came. She made us stand up and dance like our favorite bird. I chose a crow because there are so many of them here and I find their black color to be completely beautiful. After getting us warmed up she let us literally fly like a ‘drunken bird’ in our space. It wasn’t long before I forgot that there was anyone else in the room and I was flying in my space like a drunken crow.

I would be lying if I didn’t look around to see what my fellow volunteers and the camper were doing. It was absolutely beautiful. People that were completely silent in the camp were expressing themselves and spreading their wings like they were about to take off in flight. Some I believe, in their minds, were actually flying. These are the type of moments I live for.

We spend so much time of lives worrying what others are thinking about us. I was telling a couple of my classmates that I thought drinking at a club was the secret potion that allowed me to dance freely and not worry about the judgement of others. This was not the case. However, in a room where the lights were bright and I was completely sober, I shed any fear of what anyone thought. I learned to let go so much that I started to cry to know such freedom.

Day 178: Business vs Duty

While the business world is always searching for the bottom line, duty is doing what it has always been doing regardless of the outcome.  Worrying about what people think, say or do is constantly affecting the business world while duty is business as usual regardless of weather, feelings or fruits.  What happens when these two collide?  I’m having a hard time grasping what a world looks like when the definitions of both of these are different yet people, all the time, try to make them the same.

Today was a rough day for me.  I went through so many emotions.  It all started when one of my fellow volunteers embarrassed me in front of the entire camp.  Even before that this guy was working my nerves by micromanaging every action.  

I was put in charge of making a list for Karma Yoga duties and splitting the campers into groups.  I was asked repeatedly if the list was made.  I finally asked if the person wanted to make the list as well.  It didn’t help that my group was never informed of an orientation that took place before the camp where everyone learned the ins and outs of the workings of the camp.  However, I was already frustrated.  

Then, after the second day, there was an upset between some of the campers that one of their duties was to clean the toilets.  The volunteers made a bigger deal about it than the campers.  Long story short, my leadership position was taken from me.  I was informed that we never make the volunteers clean the toilets.  I’m offended at this point because who is above cleaning a toilet?

After this entire ordeal, I was livid for about an hour and a half mainly because my embarrassment that I had people do something that they were never supposed to do.  My biggest frustration was that the guy that kept asking me for the Karma Yoga list, could have said all along that they were not to clean the toilets.  I was using the duties that the instructor had told me to have them do.  

This fellow volunteer also explained to me that out of the 7 day camp about 8-10 of them were expected to enroll in the Teacher’s Training Course.  If they want to be teachers and have a problem cleaning a toilet, I want nothing to do with them or their class.  I grew up in a family business.  I have cleaned puke, poop and many other things off walls, floors and toilets.  To have someone say, and apologize, to people for having them clean toilets is not only defeating the purpose but what kind of teachers are they producing?

Day 177: Sincerity

The lack of sincere people in this world is unfortunately becoming less surprising everyday.  The lack of sincere people in this world actually is having people reject people that are truly sincere.  Anyone who encounters a sincere person looks at them through a lens of disbelief or caution.  If we lack this inherent sincerity as culture throughout the world, what are we left with?

People go to job that they completely despise.  They look at themselves in the morning wondering how did they get where they are.  Why didn’t they live out that dream of becoming a Broadway singer?  Why didn’t they make that choice that could have changed their life forever?  Why weren’t they discovered for all the talents they possess?

All of these statements are a wrong way of thinking.  They are all containing a feeling of regret or a state completely opposite of being charismatic. When things are supposed to happen, they do.  Commonly, successes are forced without sustainability.  When your goal is to make quick money, it goes away just as fast as it comes.  

Anything worthwhile is not easy.  Artist spend entire lifetimes creating artwork that is never seen while they are alive.  Could you imagine what Picasso would think about one of his paintings selling for what they do or having a whole building dedicated to his paintings and drawings.  It must be absurd to him watching from wherever he is.  

Sincerity is doing whatever it is that you love not because it is going to get you somewhere or something.  People are motivated by money, drugs and really anything material.  If you are saying that you are doing what you love and you are more worried about your bank account, then you are doing it all wrong.  A friend of mine  once said that it is bullshit that people do stuff out of their hearts and not for money.  He eventually lost everything and had to scramble for housing.  

Day 176: Preconceived Notions

Before I went to volunteer at this camp, I already had made up in my mind how everything was going to go.  My previous health camp volunteer experiences were very upsetting.  I had this idea that because I was doing my job right in every detail that everyone else should do the same.  I have had this problem mainly because growing up making sure that my sister or, as we got older, my brother would do everything they were supposed to.  Otherwise, we would have to deal with the discipline of my father and cause tension between our mother and him.  

This serial codependency lead me to look for relationships with people that I would have to keep track of.  I made friendship that weren’t friendship because they were usually one-sided.  I dreaded being in group settings because no one would do their job the way I expected them to.  These expectations are unrealistic.

Today brought about a change after a teacher asked me what was a trigger to stress for me.  I told her that people who say their committed to one things but do another completely stress me out and, honestly, piss me off.  Her solution to this was astounding.  She told me that I can’t expect anything out of human beings because it is human nature to say one thing and mean another.  

She also told me that my expectation of people holding their commitments was more my problem than the person not holding their end of the bargain.  I was lost for a second but then relieved because knowing that this causes me stress and that I’m the one causing it makes it really easy to let this go.  I don’t want to be stressed and I don’t want to hate people.  Let them be as they are uncommitted and humans.

I have had such a problem with this because I built friendships like pacts.  Although we should build friendships in this way knowing that a friend has our back.  We shouldn’t place this unrealistic expectation on them to be perfect.  I cannot claim this perfection label myself so why would I place it on anyone else?  Don’t expect anything out of people not even for them to be their word and the disappointment will be less and you’ll be happier.