Day 175: Letting the Love In

Today, we have a session at a camp that I am volunteering at that dealt with letting go of emotions.  The teacher explained that laughter and crying are two sides of the same coin.  She said that sorrow and happiness are two side of that same coin.  I had a profound experience in this workshop as a volunteer. 

There was one person that everyone in the group was lacking compassion with.  We were all pointing out the things that she was doing wrong.  She wasn’t being engaged with the rest of the group.  At one point, she walked in front of the entire group while the session was going on, unplugged her phone and walked back to her place in the back of the room with her face buried in the phone.  After she walked out I followed her.  

People are not bad.  When people are being perceived as bad, we often forget that they must have forgotten their importance or, maybe, they have some serious stuff happening that won’t allow her to be calm and loved.  So, I followed her to the stairway and asked her if she was ok.  Of course she told me that she was ok.  Then, I asked her if she was present to her actions.  She stared and me blankly.  She obviously was not. 

I told her what I had observed.  I watched her walk in front of a room full of people that we had told not to be on their phones.  Then, after that walked with her phone back in front of all those people to sit down in the back of the room to bury her face in her phone.  I explained to her that the volunteer team needed her.  At this point, my frustration was second to the importance of her understanding that she is valued and loved.  

By the afternoon session, she was dancing and smiling.  I have no idea if my interaction influenced this but it made me so happen to she her smile and have a good time.  She has been pacing around the room for 2 days with her phone in her hand checking her email.  People need to know that they are loved.  It is our job to make sure that they can’t forget that.  

Day 174: Standing on the Top of Mountain and Climbing Back Down

During my trip to Nepal, I rented a scototer and went to Shivapuri National Park.  This trip was incredible for several reasons but the most important was that fear can motivate you.  It can make you feel like a badass.  It takes moments like these to know that you are alive.

My friend Ronson told me that it was my day to lead in regards to where we were going to go.  We swapped SIM cards and immediately my Indian phone because a Nepali phone.  Google Maps was going to lead us to magical places with experiences that I never would have dreamed of.  Traveling on roads through a big city like Kathmandu was like driving on very remote country roads in the US.  

We went to see a place called Jhor Waterfall first.  This place was completely beautiful.  I am man was dancing like he was high on the presence of God and children were running in and out of the waterfall.  There was a cave that was actually a temple.  A woman there was very concerned that I would get inside and take pictures so I only went to the opening to peek inside.  The ceilings were very low.

After our experience there, we went on to the National Park.  At the top, we greeted by a man that charged me 1800 NR while my friend Ronson enjoyed a fee of about 400 NR.  This nationality discrimination was common on this trip to where my friend and I eventually started making jokes about it.  After we paid our fee, we found a nice place to just enjoy the mountain scenes and take it all in.  

The ride back was intense.  We realized that after we had reached the bottom of the mountain that the sun was setting and their was no way that we could navigate the roads, in their condition, in the dark.  We spent 5 hours driving back into Kathmandu in the dark on some roads that horrible and some that were smooth, blacktop surfaces.  We drove into the city the same way that our bus had taken so knowing how steep the cliffs were in come areas and riding on the edges of them was exhilarating.  

After we reach back to our AirBnb, the adrenaline was running through our body.  We both felt such a sense of accomplishment and joy that we made it back in one piece and alive.  I had never done anything like that in my life and would definitely do it again.  When you don’t have a plan, anything is possible.  When anything is possible enjoy the journey because the road that you are on will have sinkholes, smooth surfaces and parts that are just rock and mud. 

Day 173: You Don’t Have to Fight

There are many things going on in the world that are splitting it in two.  Politics, news stories or even drag queen reading to children to spread diversity can cause a rift in entire communities.  The most important thing is to keep level head.  You have to realize that someone is just as entitled to their opinion as you are to yours.  You don’t have to fight.

Donald Trump has been a title of discussion all across the world.  His controversial presidential style has cause a lot of debate of fitness for office, theories that the president is conspiring with foreign governments to if his wife has a stunt double at some public events.  While all of this is truly happening.  We don’t need to fight to prove which side is right and which side is wrong.  Look at the facts always and don’t judge them.  A moral compass is not hard to find with people that are rational.

With polarized news channels such as CNN and Fox News fanning the flames of the debates surrounding the American president, it is hard to weed out the truth as both are leaning to one side or the other at times.  If the goal of our president was to destroy the conventional way of our media, he has certainly succeeded in this job.  Even I have a hard time listening to news commentators voicing their opinions rather than reporting news.  People fight over which facts to believe and which to not believe.  Facts should always be facts.  

Recently, in my hometown of St. Joseph, MO, a drag queen was asked to read some stories to children at a downtown library.  People instantly turned to petitions and social media to voice their opinions about what is right and wrong.  This news story supposed the engagement of the stories surrounding our St. Joseph School District being plagued with fraud.  I don’t even know how this is possible but it is completely fascinating.  Plain and simple, if somethings not for you, move on.

The world today is anger and likes to fight.  However, everyone in this world wants to stand on a mountain taller than the next person.  There is not a single person that is above giving everyone the utmost respect.  Somewhere along the way, we have lost that.  We have lost the silent agreement that we are supposed to treat everyone like human beings.  

Day 172: Dealing With Difficult People

While today was rough, it was also a valuable learning lesson.  I was mad and upset but was able to be with it and overcome it.  Admittedly, I shut down for some time trying to figure out where this anger comes from, I realized that the person I was mad at is the same person I’m mad at in other situations.  Patrick, Brittany, Angela, Robert, Sara, Dwight and the list could go on and on.  However, today, I set myself free from those people because they can no longer embarrass me or make me feel less the. them.  

This gentleman I had a problem with saw a situation completely different than me, accused me of ordering him around and tried to play the victim just like all the people that I mentioned above.  They talked about me behind my back like all of those people as well.  My EGO was hurt because they talked about me behind my back.

When I was analyzing all of this, I started to think that it was all ridiculous that because I was embarrassed, I wanted to make this man into a bad man.  I wanted to yell that he was wrong and that I was pissed because I don’t like to be micromanaged.  Notice how many I’s are in the last few sentences.  I wanted for this guy to say that he was sorry for putting me in the situation that I was in.  I have already explained that expecting anything out of anyone is not realisitc.  

When you expect out of people you cause yourself more pain.  When you cause yourself more pain, start to fester with negativity.  When you fester with negativity, then comes disease.  I am genuinely a nice guy, but I am also human.  I make mistakes.  I also hurt people just by being who I am.  

We all do this.  We all harbor an embarrassment that we suffered from a long time ago.  This will happen over and over until you decide that it’s time for this cycle to end.  You will hurt people and retaliate.  You will lose friendships.  The next time you get upset sit with yourself and try to find out what is really making you upset.  Most of the time it will be because when you were 5 years old you didn’t get your way and you are still mad about it.  

Day 171: How to Let Go Even When You Know You Are Right

In life we are handed many things, but the most frustrating is dealing with people who do you wrong and having nothing to do about it.  I’m not talking about things that people have done to you illegally.  Those that wrong you on the side of law breaking will always have justice served to them one way or another.  I’m specifically talking about people who spread lies about you, fall off the radar without any closure or reason or take things from you like your sanity or things that have no monetary value.  

In my case, I have learned that the most simple thing to do is to free yourself form any thoughts of retaliation or the situation completely.  I had a mentor once that told me, ‘This may be happening to you personally, but it’s not personal.’  You might be asking yourself what that even means.  

As a breakdown things that happen to you personally are things that happen to you.  A person cuts you off on the road.  A friend spreads rumors about you.  You might get scammed out of $15,000 from someone that you thought you could trust.  These are all things that may have personally happened to you.

The second part of that statement is to not take those things personally.  The person that cut you off on the road probably didn’t even realize that he/she had done that.  Your friend may have spread those lies about you so that the feel or make themselves look better.  The person that scammed you out of $15,000 may have needed that money more than you.  

You may never know what someone’s motives are but those motives are none of your business.  It doesn’t matter if that person cut you off because you are above reacting to it.  That friend that spread rumors about you isn’t really a friend so why waste anymore efforts in that direction.  The hurt you feel from someone scamming you out of money may be real and very personal.  Know that your life is better without having involvement with any of them.  Sometimes, that’s the only blessing.

Day 170: Yoga & The Life of a Modern Yogi - Pt. 4

A modern yogi is often not guided by a guru. The guru system is lost on these younger generations especially as you head out west because people don’t feel that paying money to someone to guide them doesn’t have value. We live in a world where RuPaul, Oprah and Donald Trump can all be claimed as gurus. They all have books that people follow religiously. RuPaul’s latest book is titled - GuRu.

While a don’t discredit their influence and ability to create change, I don’t think it is possible for them to be personal gurus to people that they have never met. I could even self publish a book tomorrow and claim all sorts of things and be labeled as a guru to someone. It doesn’t make any sense to follow just one person because in the world today there are billions of people. In the classical yoga days, there were not as many people populating this Earth as we know it today.

A modern yoga has to fight through more negativity than a classical yogi. The world is generally a negative place so much so that their are Facebook pages and Instagram accounts solely devoted to positive quotes. I even write quotes on the whiteboard every morning with something positive to start my own day out right but hopefully inspire someone else to think the same way. I hear about it when I don’t write them so there is some enjoyment being had when I do write them.

A modern yogi has more challenges with man-made distractions while a classical yogi has more distractions that are nature-made. Today, there are notifications for everything on our smart device. However, they make us less smart. As modern day yogis, we are constantly bombarded with food, advertisements, ways of communicating and technology. We have to make conscious choices to disconnect with the outside world and go within. We have to be ok with not knowing what is going on at home or with our children.

A modern day yogi has to make a choice for themselves if something is right or wrong. We live in a world where nothing is as it seems. If someone believes that the sky is red and not blue we have to look at that person and say, ‘ok.’ We have to swim through life’s daily routines to be able to do what we want. We have to have a website, Instagram and Facebook for anyone to know who you are. A modern day yoga has more noise to try and muddle through to get a clear sense of who they are. Yoga is what it has been for centuries and it will continue to try to evolve for centuries to come.

Day 169: Yoga & The Modern Life of a Yogi - Pt. 3

When we think of what a modern day yogi eats, we think of a very skinny vegan going to yoga class and drinking a green smoothie with no added sugar with almond or walnut milk. During my visits to Los Angeles, I would have to say that it is the most warped idea of what yoga is. It almost like to say that you do yoga is to say that you are cool. Most of these ‘yogis’ are not yogis at all just twenty-somethings living in their parents house and smoking pot without any regard to Shiva during the day. Then at night, they are this raging party animal snorting or ingesting anything they can get their hands on in the name of mind expansion.

First, you don’t have to be a drug user to feel the effects of mind expansion. Do an hour of Pranayama and I guarantee you will feel better than any of the drugs that I have experienced. Festivals like Burning Man and other music festivals are crawling with these people. I am not judging them for their views or their own practice, I just know that they are not for me. Different things work for different people, but I don’t think drugs are a requirement for opening your mind.

While now a wide range of food is available that is organic, raw and farm fresh, I want to compare back to the time of the classical yogi. At this time, there were no factories making prepacked meals. People weren’t washing and chopping your lettuce and placing them in a biodegradable container made out of corn. It was your mother, mother-in-law or some other family member washing and cutting your vegetables. The modern yogi can’t appreciate nature because there is a lack of connection to nature. We treat life like a vending machine. I want this. I want that. We receive it, consume it and throw it away.

How can a modern day yogi be ok with all this lack of connection to people, nature and food? We do the best we can to be the best people we can be with respect to our duties. We have a more limited view of how the world works but feel that we are at the center of it all. It isn’t until this mindfulness training happens that the ego is lifted but we are constantly in a state of flux. We check our moderation. We make sure that we are nice to people. We practice and/or teach asana so that is qualification enough to the common man to count us as modern day yogis.

The drive for a modern day yogi has to be in high gear to want to achieve even Pratyahar not let alone Samadhi. In the life of being a modern day yogi, you have to be willing to be open-minded that everyone is right from their own perspective. You have to teach yourself to be secure with thoughts, feelings and actions. A modern day yogi have to differentiate between yoga being a physical exercise or a life exercise because both are right. It doesn’t matter if you are practicing everyday or just one time a week, mindfulness can happen at both levels.

Day 168: Yoga & The Life of a Modern Yogi - Pt. 2

We ended the last post about truth and fact in regards to the Life of a Modern Yogi. You have to wonder sometimes if, for the sake of yoga, it is important to have rules and guidelines. Or, is it ok to just let everyone run wild with an idea that many women and men spent entire lifetimes to create and mold, while a twenty something can receive their 200-hour certification and become a guru to thousands. What siddhi is that?

On one hand I’m proud of the twenty-something and extremely happy that someone that age has taken to yoga in their life. If I would have found yoga in my earlier days, I can’t even imagine how my life would have turned out. On the other hand, who is to say that this younger person has more knowledge from previous lifetimes and this is their time to shine. Keeping this in check is very important to a modern yogi. It is also very confusing because in a world where everything is labeled and classified, yoga stresses about not being too rigid and being open-minded.

Coming back to social media, how do we know that these followers are all real? With services that can get you as many followers as you want, you can easily deceive people into thinking that you have a huge following. However, the only people that you truly know is your mom and aunt who love you very much. This goes for Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and Pinterest. Bogus followers that don’t validate any skill or ability just a perception.

For example, take Natasha Noel, who I admire because I know her personally, but do not enjoy her social media practices. She promotes body positivity and helps people that suffer from abuse. Let me just say that these are fantastic things to do in the name of yoga. However, I have to wonder if part of her own recovery has brought on an ego sense that she is not completely aware of. Let me say again that I completely love her but just feel that she is way more genuine in person than on social media.

For the modern yogi, the business of yoga is all about the money. Can you go back again and imagine a world before the word business was create. Yoga was a lifestyle. I feel that yoga has become a marketing term used in the health and wellness to cover mind, body and spirituality. It is a blanket term that is thrown around to make people seem like that have everything together. Also, it is a justification for those people that just wear yoga pants all day everyday.

Day 167: Yoga & The Modern Life of a Yogi - Pt. 1

Studying yoga can bring a lot of idealistic thoughts about our way of life. The great yogis that we are studying about had a different world that they lived in. Can you imagine a world without automobiles or cell phones? Can you imagine a world where the music didn’t come through your earphones and the only way to have music was to have someone physically create it? Can you imagine going back to a time where all you had to do was exist and your existence was enough?

Yoga and Modern Life of a Yogi has a completely different meaning unless you are willing to leave everything as you know it and go into the mountains to sit in a meditative posture under a tree for hours and even days. Most of my classmates can’t go an hour without having their phone right next to them. Imagine being so detached from your children that you could go an entire day while you were doing your duties without having to check and make sure that they were ok.

Since we are on the subject of detachment. The modern yogi takes this as a way to let go of all the negativity in their life. While that’s a great way to start because it will open the door to so many other things, it is important to keep in mind that detachment is from all things. During my Advanced Course, I have learned not only to detach from the things that cause me pain but also to detach from the things that bring me joy. Often the things that I enjoy cause me more pain than the things I dislike.

A modern yogi has to deal with a world that is set up to feed their ego. You are conditioned to think that to be a successful yogi is that you need to twist and bend into all sorts of different shapes, have over a million followers on Instagram and be doing retreats in Bali for $6,000. While you can twist and bend into very beautiful or honestly bizarre shapes, do you know the real benefits of doing those particular asanas? You have a million followers on Instagram so you have to post pictures to know that you are enough bu them double tapping your photos. When they don’t you die a little inside. You do retreats for $6,000 a head while teaching people very little about what yoga really is. You spend all day talking about detoxing and ‘meditate’.

I once had a mentor that did podcasting that would do meditation on his podcast and in group retreats. This person couldn’t sit still for more than 2 seconds and doesn’t even have a clear mind while he is sleeping. The modern yogi has to be mindful of the knowledge that they except as truth. Truth and fact can have different meanings. Fact can be too academic but truth is universal and absolute.

Day 166: Driving is Freedom

In Nepal, as a tourist, you can drive a scooter anywhere. I feel most sad about leaving my home in the U.S. when I have to keep my keys in the jar at the front desk. So, when I got my keys and helmet there was no stopping me. Cozy Nepal set up the arrangement for the scooter and they delivered one directly to the hotel. I didn’t have to negotiate or haggle like everything else. It was a flat rate and since I booked my room through AirBnB they had my passport information already.

Since they only had one scooter through that service, we had to rent another scooter through B.S. Bikes in Thamel , Kathmandu. Again, Cozy Nepal sealed the deal by getting the price and everything arranged for us. We went to pick up the scooter and my friend being an Indian didn’t think that he needed his passport. Thankfully, I had mine with me. Previously, in Sri Lanka, it was standard to leave your passport with the scooter owners and then get it back when you return it. Without hesitating, I left my passport with them and we were soon on the road.

Driving a scooter is an amazing feeling especially in a foreign city. You are seeing things that wouldn’t ordinarily see in a car or van and the breeze feels amazing. I didn’t pack sunscreen so the tops of my hands are a little sunburned but nothing like the sunburn I had in Sri Lanka. We drove around Kathmandu. We zoomed through the old markets of Patan Durbar Square and Kathmandu proper Durbar Square. I was able to stop and take pictures as I wanted to without asking permission to stop. It’s these little things that give you freedom.

After a full day on the scooters, we were hesitant about where to park our bikes as the rental place warned that the bikes are fine during the day but are at risk during the night. Since my passport was tied to one of the bikes, I was scared to leave the bikes anywhere. Luckily, the owner of Cozy Nepal was loading his bike up and instructed us to park our bikes inside the courtyard where we were staying. Another high five to Cozy Nepal because they are freaking rock stars.

I am not used to an AirBnB being so accommodating. Usually, I never even meet the owner. Cozy Nepal has an entire staff with housekeeping. The owner is an architect that built the property after the 2015 earthquake that shattered much of the historical areas of Kathmandu. The staff has even offered to do our laundry. While this is just the beginning of this trip, I am already blown away by the hospitality that they have given and the lack of obstacles that we have had regarding our stay. Thank you, Cozy Nepal.

Day 165: He Should Have Taken The Shot

Although I have only been in Kathmandu a short time, I have already noticed the difference in prices for my Indian friend, Ronson, and myself. If he asked for a cab, he gets one price but if I ask for a cab I gets another price. My price is usually about 75% more expensive than his. What’s funny is that Ronson and I make about the same amount of money per month. The only difference is the color of our skin and where we are from.

Over dinner this evening, Ronson had a connection that was going to help us get flights to Pokhara and maybe fly over Mount Everest. When we looked up tickets, they came to around 3,000 INR each. I though that is awesome to be able to fly to two different place for about $50 USD each. So, this gentleman comes to meet us for dinner and starts talking to my friend in Hindi. This already puts me off because he speaks perfectly good English and was being selective of when to speak English and Hindi.

Then, we are at dinner and all the man wants is a Sprite. I found this odd and started to distrust this man. I started asking questions about what he does in the Napali film industry because why would a film maker be in the tourism market and be so aggressive in trying to get us to buy plane tickets through him. He had stated previously that tourism was only his passion or hobby or perhaps both. He started to talk about Yoga and then I really started to distrust him. After telling him where I was studying, he said that our gurus are the same people but when I asked about Hansaji, he seemed to not know the daughter-in-law that is now the director of the Yoga Institute.

I guess he was just trying to connect with me because like all my other emotions, I do a poor job at hiding them. My distrust had to of been present on my face and in my body language. just a hint: In today’s sales world, people don’t want discounts. They want the best price you can give upfront because a transaction shouldn’t last longer than a minute. You either want to go or you don’t. So, I found out that my friend’s place ticket would still be around 3,000INR and my plane ticket would be about 10,000INR. Not only that, but I would have to pay in USD. I had Sri Lankan, Nepali and Indian currencies only.

I thought I would make one more attempt at trusting this guy before I said a hard no so I order three shots. My thinking was that this would break the ice and allow this sales guy to relax and let myself relax as well. I was sitting at the restaurant thinking how does an airplane know the difference between me being an American or an Indian. Long story short, he didn’t take the shot and that killed the deal. I wasn’t about to hand over money for some crooked flight deal with a man that wouldn’t break bread with me or take a shot. Deal closed.

Day 164: Ice Cream, Yes

My first night in Kathmandu was met with such obstacles and joy. After arriving here this morning, I started to feel sick. I think I was completely exhausted after sleeping only 4 hours in two days. Once we reached the Cozy Nepal home stay, I started to feel nauseous and my bones started hurting like I was coming down with the flu. I laid down in the waiting area while Ronson and I wait for our room. I fell asleep and Ronson woke me up when our room was ready. I was asleep maybe a couple of hours.

I had no desire to go out into the city as my focus was on feeling better and not throwing up like I had witness the entire night before. We got to our room and I laid down again. The room was spinning and I was green and sweaty. I started to think about all the tools that I have learned at the Yoga Institute. So, I started to perform a Savasana on myself where I was relaxing each part of the body. I was starting to panic thinking about what if I had to go to some Nepali hospital and how my vacation would be ruined by this plague.

I would drift in and out of sleep picking up from the body part that I left off with all the way to where I walk out the crown of my head. I fell asleep for a good few hours while Ronson got our sim card so that we wouldn’t be lost in the middle of the forests and mountains that we had planned to go to. Then, I woke up and started feeling very nauseous and felt a migraine starting. Migraines are a form of kryptonite for me. I decided that Yogendra’s Pranayama 4 would be the best thing for me because I could be laying down. I drank a ton of water and proceeded to do 40 rounds of Pranayama 4.

I would drift off into sleep and then continue when I would wake back up. After 40 rounds, I felt ready to go eat. This whole process lasted about 6 hours. Ronson and I went to a place called Swotha. He had a proper beef burger and I had a mixed greens salad with walnuts, cranberries and goat cheese. What saved my life was this frozen mint lemonade. After that beverage, my entire trip changed and I drank two of them. We went walking through Old Patan Durbar square this evening and this little girl walked along the side of me.

She kept saying, ‘Money, yes. Ice Cream, yes.’ I asked where her parents were and she said, ‘Yes.’ So, language was obviously a barrier but she knew how to say what she wanted. So, I said, ‘You want ice cream?’ She replied, ‘Yes’ and lead me to the place that vended ice cream. At this point, it was a little after 10pm and the area that Ronson and I were staying in closes up around 9pm. This ice cream stand was the only place that was open. I ordered her a double scoop of vanilla ice cream and when I tried to give it to her, she started to act scared. I told her that it was ok and smile at her. She grabbed the ice cream cone and ran off into the darkness. I hope she found her way home safely.

Day 161: Attachment

I have written several times on my feelings about detachment. I have been struggling with this topic for several months now. How attached is too attached and how detached is too detached? How do you detach from people you love and dislike with indifference? How do I do all of this without the people that I love feeling like I’m creating distance rather than true detachment?

All of these questions have run through my mind. I have even contemplated deleting my social media and solely focusing all my effort on my website to convey my ideas and keep track of my life and accomplishments. I love the validation loop too much to give that up for now but I am still contemplating it. The more I’m on social media the more I despise it. The more I look at how I influence my own community with my personal social media the more I realize that people don’t want to be sold something and they definitely don’t want to be preached at.

So, I have started with the newest group of people that I know, my classmates. I love them so much as they have become a 2nd family to me over the past several months. A group of yoginis that have no friction and seemingly believe in the best in others. I have needed a group of people like this in my life for some time now. I started to notice in my practice of detachment from them that I wanted there to be something wrong. I started picking out small little things that were wrong and clung to them. If a person was late, I disregarded them as a yoga teacher and then found I was actually holding a small grudge for them being a few minutes late.

I have only one person that I find challenging in my class and that challenge has become inspiration as of late. I admire the way that she can be completely be oblivious to others feelings, needs and time. She can literally stop traffic to put her suitcase in her car without even acknowledging the traffic she is causing. She can bluff her way through assignments and then blame the constructs of the class for her lack of preparedness. I am completely inspired by this. I admire people that don’t care about hurting other’s feelings because I feel like I walk on eggshells at times to avoid that very thing.

It’s easy to detach from such people that I desire no involvement with but the people that I am engaged with and love like family, the practice is much more difficult. I have also been working on trying to be indifferent to things and people. I have started with food. I have been grateful for the food placed in front of me if I like of dislike or like it all the same. I have also been working at indifference regarding work. As I have posted on my Facebook, I am trying to detach from the very people that taught me what it means to be attached to people.

Day 163: Vacation Pt. 2

Last night was a complete trip. I was awake on the bus for pretty much the entire time except with nodding off for about 10 minutes and the bus hitting a bump large enough that it felt like we crashed. The dark forest was deep and long but on the other side was a stop that had delicious food. It was a cabbage and chili pokoda. These are little blossoms that are deep fried. I trust almost anything that is deep fried.

The sun is just starting to come up and the view is majestic. On both sides of the road are mountains and running down the middle of it is a rushing river. It’s not flooding its banks but somewhere up stream, it raining pretty heavy. The fog lifting off the water makes it seem like the snapshot of a postcard or a picture in a calendar book. The sky is pink and orange.

While dodging vomit last night as the person directly behind me and the person directly in front of me had both fallen sick, I cover my nose and mouth with my sweatband. I haven’t touched anything on the bus since the kid in front of me threw up on the curtains, the floor and the seat in front of him. Then, the kid behind me threw up on his clothes and had to strip down to his underwear. I am so afraid of catching a plague, fever or flu that I am drinking a ton of water but forgot my hand sanitizer.

A beautiful moment happened in all of this last night while everyone was sleeping though. At our stop the bus conductor help the sick boy clean up his vomit with paper towels. I knew this because they were throwing the dirty newspaper out the bus window. After we got back on the road and the conductor turned off the television, he sat next to boy making sure that he was ok and curled up and feel asleep. I was taken back by this because here I am with all this yogic training and mindfulness and all I was worried about was this boy making me sick instead of making sure that the boy was ok.

I can already tell that this trip with going to teach me a lot about myself in certain situations. Everyone has been really nice to this point. We are getting ready to stop at the first place that has had internet in about 15 hours. It is going to have breakfast and a place to wash up. I’m excited to wash my hands. I’m excited to eat something not out of a bag. I’m most excited to stand up giving relief to my tailbone.

Day 162: Vacation Pt. 1

As I sit in the seat on this bus that is mine for the next several hours, I notice that I am the only white person I’ve seen since I left Mumbai. I find it ironic that on one side of the world white people are trying to exclude or keep people of color out and on the other the people of color are the majority. I find peace in this diversity because I learn so much about my place in this world by being humbled in these scenarios. Only a few times have I ever been scared by this fact and even fewer times have I felt I was in danger because of me being the minority.

What if someone were to hurt, injure or even kill me because of their anger towards America or Europe? I am fully prepared for this actually. If they need to hurt me to feel better, it is no different than the people of the same race or citizenship as me that have hurt me to feel better. If I die by someone’s hand for their fear of white people or their hatred of white people then I die knowing that I had purpose.

I have passed rural villages that stare at me through this tiny barrier of a window. I have waved and smiled at those that stare and look completely terrified of me. I say hello to those that are looking at me like I have caused all the problems in the world because I refuse to be the darkness. I refuse to let others tell me who I am.

While the Bollywood music is blaring on the television in the front of the bus, I have witnessed a street food vendor come onto the bus and sell his food as though it is his life on the line. If he doesn’t sell those goods he might not get to eat himself. I have gotten off of the bus to go to the restroom only to find that the restroom is the side of the highway. Now that it’s dark, I wonder what adventures lie ahead of us as we pass through this dark forest or jungle.

I watch as children run along the side of the bus waving and excited for the passengers to come through. I watched the sunset as a new person tonight. I observed the pinks and purples in the skies give way to black. I watched the darkness change my thoughts. As I sit here sleepless next to my friend who is snoring away, I have to wonder how it must feel for this to all be normal.

Day 160: Leaving Behind Worry

Right before leaving for my trip to Nepal, my partner’s mother had fallen ill resulting in him traveling back to the US. This normally would be no problem but with my mandatory leave from India, per my visa requirements, and our 4 dogs, it created quite the obstacle. I was sorry worried about things that are beyond my control. What if something happened to Doug’s mom while I wasn’t reachable and Doug had to go through this all alone? What if I was denied entry back into the country for some bizarre reason?

All of these questions started to mount in my mind and the stress started to show through my actions. This being the eve of my dream vacation. I have to leave worry aside and know that everything is ok. I need to balance my concern for my partner and his mother with having a good time so that I can recharge myself. Without recharging myself, I cannot be a light for others as I have written about previously in other posts.

I vow to leave behind all the uncertainty and doubt to forge ahead into this unknown land and treat myself. I have been working so hard for so long that I deserve to have some sort of break from the ordinary day-to-day that my life has become. I love teaching yoga and I love learning more about the practice of yoga but with the other daily routines regarding my job everything has become simplified and just that - a routine. More than a routine, my life has become a series of check boxes that have to be filled in everyday. I used to think that checking these boxes off would lead me to somewhere.

Since, I have learned that these boxes get checked off because it is my duty to do so. First, I have a duty to myself. I constantly check in with my personal well being as I have sworn that my mental health will never be neglected ever again. Part of the reason for this trip is because while I love the big city and all of its 23.8 million people, I need the mountains, fresh air and abundance space to explore, breathe and find peace in. No one can stay above water while swimming for days lost at sea.

So, my trip begins tomorrow. I can already feel the adrenaline running through my body. I am anticipating a lot of unknown and a lot of adventure. I have no idea how we are going to make it through the Nepal border and how we will reach Kathmandu once we cross but I know that everything will work out just fine. Here’s to the unknown and here’s to leaving behind worry.

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