Day 75: Dreaming Out Loud

When I’m finished with yoga school, I have a plan to open a yoga retreat/learning center. I am wanting to help families deal with stress to ultimately become better working units. They can then graduate from my certification program with the ability to help other families. My goal is to help parents to break the cycle of abuse and not pass it on to their children.

I am starting a yoga subscription program to reach families that are not able to be close geographically. This program will also be for the individual wanting to learn more about yoga and concentrate on their asana skills. I will have a curriculum so that the participants will be able to follow. I will provide coaching through phone calls. Parents will be able to accept their gay child. Children will be more compassionate towards their parents.

My dream doesn’t stop there. I want to train others to become teachers joining my mission in helping shape this world to make it a better place. This will be a mission that even school will be able to stand behind. Imagine a class of recent high school graduates walking into college with a marketable skill before they even start their first semester of college without a tremendous amount of debt. The cost will be affordable and also help me get out of student loan debt.

Having a two-month program to train teachers will make the program accessible to corporate workers, homemakers, students and people trying to take the leap into something new. These teachers will then become part of a network of teachers that schools and businesses can pull from to bring yoga to them. With the curriculum that I am building, there won’t be a person that won’t be able to participate and find some peace of mind. I plan to take the practice of yoga in mental institutions and prisons.

I have finally found something that I can dream big in. I am not in the shadow of someone else’s dream and I have no strings attached to anyone else and it’s beautiful. I am not dependent on the approval of a boss or a supervisor. I have mentors that are supportive of me and believe in me. This may be the first time in my adult life where I feel independent for the first time. Everything I have done is leading up to this moment. I feel the reigns in my hands and it feels incredible to know that I’m driving this train.

Day 74: Another Round

It’s another Monday full of adventures and new discoveries today. I have been waking up at all hours of the night the past several weeks mainly because I get up so early on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday that my body doesn’t know what day it is. On Sunday, my alarm for no reason that I can think of went off at 5am. I keep doing these routines with the reality of not being rigid. However, how do you start a routine and manage to keep that routine without being rigid?

I have been keeping to a simple routine of getting all the stuff that I need to get done. JalNeti, private yoga practice, pranayama and meditation. I have been doing this along with trying to eat properly, type notes to study and have a little time to relax and have some recreation time. I find that when there is one thing not checked off the list, I get completely flustered and feel like the entire routine is blown. After a few moments, I realize this is not the reality but I simply did not have enough hours in the day to do everything I wanted to do.

It may seem petty to worry about such things but I’m trying to better my life in ways that I can’t even imagine. I am creating a yoga program for an online subscription service where I can use my coaching and yoga teaching skills and combine them to help others that I know are struggling with some of the same things. I want people to be happy in this world but it first starts with me. I have not lost the element that I am not perfect but, in that imperfection, I am absolutely perfect.

I have dreams of teaching others to become teachers as well to build an army of teachers helping families to become whole and happy. We often blame the helpless because they can’t fight back but what is so wrong with looking at your home environment and acknowledging that a little mindfulness will go a long way. I’ve worked with the jaded and it is no picnic but I refuse to let those experiences detract from my purpose. It is here that my bravery, courage and ambition comes into play.

With dreams still in the works, I find that I am right back in the days where I would spend hours staring a blank canvas waiting for it to ‘speak’ to me. I am not waiting for a canvas but for a time that everything comes together. This time where I am not traveling across the world and enjoying all of the people on this planet. It makes me sad to think that one day in the near future all of this will be memories. It is even scarier to think that in just a few short months, everything that I know now will change and a new routine will be made.

Day 73: A Tribute to Mother

Today is Mother’s Day. My mom is completely amazing for so many reasons. We don’t realize until we are older just how much a mother does for their child and even then you can grasp everything that she has sacrificed and done without you knowing. Mothers care and love their children so much that they start to forget about themselves.

I have a yoga teacher that doesn’t believe in the saying, ‘I would die without my children.’  She says that it is not that they would die without their children but that they wouldn’t know how to live for themselves.  This how much a mom loves her child.  However, when is enough simply enough?  My mom deals with the jealousy between my brother and sister, my dads negative attitude despite him constantly pointing out when other are negative and juggling being a babysitter and a grandma.  She constantly says that she is doing a lot better in saying no but the truth is she just can’t.

When racing is more important than your children, my mother will pick them up and take them home when they are sick.  When you need a date night, my mom will watch your kids even after you just claimed that they never see their grandma.  When my mom has worked just as hard as everyone else, she will pick up your trash because you are too lazy to throw it away in the trash can just behind you.  You wonder why sometimes she is in a bad mood.  I call you ignorant. 

When your kids need a birthday party because you have no idea how to provide for your child, she will make the decorations and even the cake.  (Which takes two days if you ever cared to notice.)  When you want to go racing with your son so you can be proud of him, mom will stay at home and watch the kids and your dog.  When she complains about being tired you should listen because she says it less often than you think.  When you get a dog and she says that she will not be the one to take care of it, you should listen because now in addition to having grandkids all weekend, she has to wash your dog. 

When you want to call my mom unbearable sometimes.  Maybe you should ask yourself what you have done to give her happiness.  She’s not a hard person to please unless it comes to cleaning.  Maybe you should not let her forget how much she is loved by you.  Make sure that she can’t forget.  Make sure that the next time you want to put her down in front of people or ‘stay at the farm’ that you make sure she has everything she needs to watch your son’s grandchildren.  Next time you see her treat her like the gold that she is.  My mom is the best mom a son could possibly ever have and I can’t wait for the rest of my family to realize it.  Not just today, but everyday.

Day 72: A Hero

Many people want someone to come and save them. We were raised listening to fairy tales of the prince saving the beautiful lady in the tower from the evil stepmother. Our cinemas offered stories of love with the rich guy rescuing the prostitute from the daily hustle. All of the stories were created because it is hard to make a story about a person that saved themselves because it is rarely is one person that saves themselves. The phrase - It takes a village applies here.

For a large swath of my life, I have waited for my prince or that person to come along and save me. This lead me into bad relationships, horrible one-sided friendships and being a target for getting taken advantage of. Ever person that came into my life, I had this unrealistic expectation that they were going to save me in someway. It started in college in 1998 when a group of friends confronted my mother about my drug use and how scary it had become.

I moved back home briefly and then moved into my first apartment, The Mertland Apartments. I had a tiny studio that overlooked city hall and a pony express statue. My neighbors were all crackheads. It wasn’t uncommon for people to be knocking on my door screaming to save them. I just pretended that I wasn’t home and ignored them. I would watch my neighbor across the hall load his crack pipe, light it and then stare off into the distance like he was an empty body.

This was just the beginning of rescues in my life. There was the time that I thought school would save me after living in Kansas City for a while and going through a horrible breakup with my first boyfriend. I thought getting away from it all would make it go away and that the pain would stop thus making the drug use stop. This way of thinking failed miserably failed miserably. I moved back to Maryville and starting taking prescription speed, Adderall. This ended in me having a mental breakdown.

I kept trying to fill the void that was missing in my life. The void was the self confidence knowing that I was enough and that I was worth it. It wasn’t until I lived in San Francisco that I started having this realization. I had amazing friends. I had a place to live and I was paying for my schooling while working three jobs and freelancing as a figure model. Looking back, my hero needed to be myself. I could have been completely swallowed up by the city but I always remained my head just above water. Now, I’m swimming and learning that the only hero that is responsible for rescuing me is myself.

Day 71: A Letter to Self

Dear Jeremy,

From the person who you are now to the person who you were then, you have come so far. You should remember the who would on the couch for hours on end. You have travelled all over the world full of things to explore, learn and create. The possibilities are endless and you didn’t even want to dream just complain that you knew something better was out there.

First, your art is amazing even if the opportunities don’t come nearly as often as you would like so you can pay off your student loans. There are politics, judgements or haters that can even dispute that. Your art deserves to be made and your story deserves to be heard. It is not a coincidence that you are talented and ambitious.

Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Keep to a regular workout schedule. The days that you don’t feel like it - DO IT EVEN HARDER. Shave time off that 5K. On the that you just want to be lazy, get up just because you can.

NEVER FORGET - no one determines your worth except for you. Friends, family members and even strangers will place judgements on you. Just remember that’s their problem to deal with not yours. You deserve nothing but the best so don’t settle for anything less.

Being alone is good for you. Don’t confuse this with being lonely.

Regardless of your past, you choose who you are in every single moment. You impact people by just your presence. Your authenticity inspires some and scares others. Don’t let that EVER distract you from being who you are.

Keep your head up and never give up because the path you are on WILL change for the better. IT may not get easier but your laughter will change, the relationships you do have will strengthen and your light will shine bright.

It is time for you to join the game. It is time to enjoy the grind. Time to talk less and do MORE.

Your journey is yours. No one else has the wheel except for you. Hit the gas and enjoy the ride. Keep your head up. If you ever feel unloved, remember you love yourself and, at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Hearts, Rainbows and Unicorns,

Jeremy

Day 70: Letting Go

Until we really know the impact of holding something negative, we will never know the effect that holding on to this emotion, feeling or grudge has on the mind and the body. I have written many times about negative situations that I don’t know what to with. In complete honesty, I just have to let the feelings, emotions, and grudges go. I have tried many techniques of letting these people be free from my mind so I am not carrying what they did to me around anymore. The things that people have done does not affect my karma and I do not have to continue reliving these events over and over.

People who have been abused or taken advantage of repeatedly start to form a pattern of abuse. They start to forget their worth and that they have a place in this world. Being a victim of this abuse myself, I can offer several ways that we can break this cycle and start to move on.

When you start to relive the emotions of your abuse, think about positive memories with that person or in general.

We often forget that we are in control of our emotions. We have the power to suppress emotions we don’t want to feel. Honestly, we do this all the time on a smaller scale. If you are tired of feeling or reliving the emotions of abuse, it may be the healthiest thing for you to do so that you can gain control back over your life. If you ever feel start to suicidal tendencies or thoughts about death after a traumatic event, please talk to a professional immediately.

Start writing in a journal.

Through personal experience, I started writing poetry in college and this help greatly in healing from the abuse I experienced in my childhood. I wrote very abstractly so that I could conceal what happened to me and it helped tremendously. My creative writing teacher encouraged my writing to help me heal. I wrote poems about being a puppet and talked a lot about garbage. This was the beginning of my journey and gave me the courage to seek professional help. Writing where no one will see it will help you see the reality of your situation and get it out of your brain and onto paper.

Write a letter to the person you are experiencing negative emotions and burn it.

As I said before, writing down your emotions on paper is a healing practice that gets the thoughts out of your mind and on paper. If this is something small or large, write a letter to the person that abused you. Be honest about your feelings and don’t censor your thoughts. Write until there is nothing left in your mind. Drink a lot of water during this process and make sure you are resting properly. After you have written everything you have in your mind, fold the letter, take it outside and burn it. There is a magical release that happens when you burn the letter. Again, this is a great way to release your thoughts.

Start writing down 10 positive points every day.

I write 10 positive things that have happened during the day or things that I am grateful for. This will start training your mind to think positively. At first, start small and remember that this is for you only. Many people write these in groups and start to run out of things to say because they are writing them for the others in the group and not themselves. Thinking positively will help you to see that tomorrow is another day full of exciting new things to happen. We all have bad days, but when we are present to the positive things that happen the good always outweighs the bad.

These are all things that I have tried in releasing my abusers from my mind. Adult abuse is nothing to be ashamed about and it doesn’t make you less of a person for being hurt. The thing to take from it is that you are not what your abusers say you are and you don’t have to be in the situation forever. Every day we wake up we have an infinite amount of possibility of different choices to make. People grieve and process in many different ways but these are some suggestions that worked for me. Also, remember that healing takes time and patience, so take things day by day and remember that healing is a journey, not a destination.

Day 63: Gratitude

How many ways are there to express gratitude?There are so many ways that you couldn’t possibly exhaust all of them in one lifetime.Gratitude has no attachment and something that can definitely make this world a better place.In many areas of India, saying ‘Thank you’ is uncommon.People don’t hold the door for you, let your make a left turn in traffic and don’t care if you need off the elevator first.

You have to be this change. You have to hold the door open when you are trying to leave with such gratitude that you are grateful for every person that works through the door. You have to resist the urge to think that people are ungrateful and rude. Furthermore, you have to not be affected in any cell in your body. While standing there, you must smile regardless of who says Namaste or not. Most likely no one will.

People live their horns here in Mumbai traffic. Even at 5:30am, I am always surprised to see the cars trying to cut in front of each other and honking their horns. At that time, it hard not to think of them as rude. They have a complete disregard for all of the adults and children sleeping in the towering buildings above or the tin shacks below. The motorbikes and vehicles all honk at you if you are paused for even a brief second. You have to be grateful. Perhaps they are warning the other cars that they are there. Perhaps they have some emergency that they need to get to. 

I don’t think I will ever understand people that get off on the highest floor cramming in the front of the elevator. Equally, I will never understand the people shoving their way to the elevator doors without the ones already on it getting off first. I always smile and say ‘Excuse me.’ The gratitude comes in the fact that they are sharing this moment with you and teaching a valuable lesson unconsciously. They teach me patience and understanding.

With all the problems that exist in this world, it is an understatement to say that being grateful is really all we have left at the end of the day. Finding little ways to be grateful make your life more worthwhile and you start to pick up on more subtle things to be grateful for. You start doing more for everything around you not just people. You start to learn that all the pushing and rushing has a meaning or a lesson. You learn that being grateful is all that I have and all that I am.

Day 58: Relationships

In our thought sharing group, we shared ​our ideas of what a good relationship was.  We shared things about betrayal in intimate relationships, we shared about experiences about friends trying to cheat us and we all shared the same belief that we can’t change any person except ourself.  It was very comforting to know that in these common experience, we also shared the same emotions.  Our conclusions were all very different regardless of the corner we came from.

Kittens are a happy place.  These kittens were presumed dead about a week ago.  There are now 5 of them.  Teaching me Dharma, to do an act without getting anything in return.

In this sharing of thoughts I was speaking about letting the other person not have power over you anymore.  I shared my experience in thinking that it sad to think that a person has to constantly run and hide and look over his shoulder somewhere in the Rocky Mountains.  He believes in who he is so much that ​it is more important to be himself than to be truthful.  He has to protect himself from the very problem he has created. 

I want to do good in this world and because that very fact, there will be an equally opposite force trying to prevent me from doing good.  These people have to coexist in the same life.  I wish nothing ill  of anyone who has done me wrong just as I hope that no one wishes me ill for the wrong I have done to them in my life.  I wish this on a level that I now think of the grass and the violence I impose on it by simply walking.  To be present to this love is what they mean by light.  ​

I have actually worked very hard on this forgiveness that it has exhausted and consumed me.  Another cheat will get away with what they have done and I leave a with a lesson that equates him to a person that just needs to know love in his life.  ​It makes me very sad to know that there is so much hate in this world but even more disturbing is the deprivation of love that permeates this planet.  However, these both have to exist and there is no need to do anything about it.  Just like in the lesson that Joy has to learn about the character, Sadness, in the Disney hit, Inside Out.  

I feel an overall grasp in managing my emotions.  This is present also in my asana practice.  I keep going from feeling secure to a place of I don’t know who I am.  Perhaps this is because I am completely looking how I live everyday through a microscope and finding things that not only useless but toxic.  Just like a cardboard box that sits without being cleaned out or organized, it will grow bugs they will eat anything they can including the cardboard itself.  So, it’s spring have you done the cleaning of your emotional closet?​